Sunday, April 12, 2015
Friday, June 6, 2014
Out On Your Ass
If I had known being between apartments meant that I would be getting fucked by the most heinous representation of humnaity,I woould have stopped showering to make the experience so unpleasant for everybody concerned.
I would have allowed my odor to become so thick and my ass to become so caked with feces , it would have taken a group of chilean mineers to risk thier lives setting it free. But i have never been very good at pre planning.
I actually believed in the begiinning that the small gap in time i was goiong to experience was going to be a small gap, a mere bump in the road. That was fucking stupid.
At the time /i thought I was indestructible , unstoppable , I was super cute, had a nice ass , i could suck cock like i was jump starting a honda and I was loved and hatd by an equal amount of people that it made me feel relevant.
Again , fucking stupid.
The act of leaving your home with the knowledge there iant another place for you to imeadiatley , is ususally dealt with a sense of false optimistic denial. With a foolish grin and a glassy look in your eyes ,the set of circumstance that was once your life has pushed you out, rejecting you on a fundamental level.
Your former life has judged you and foound oyu lacking , and has now spit you out , after judging you harshly. So it's gonna hurt a little.
the best thing you can do , is buy some sturdy knee pads, stop your ridiculous obsession with having belongings, and learn how to bend over . Because now that you are the towns new bitch , there are going to be a whole bunch of assholes who are going to want to fuck you.
Get your crying done early and in private and prepare to live a life aminimalism and a very close relationship with themaintennance of your asshole. but never give up on it , one day it may be yours again. if they dont find you dead from a ghb overdose.
The sun will only shine upon you every so often and people will stare at you , as you now bear the mark of the relentlessy desprate , and soon , any sens of emotion or compassion will be vanish with your favorite juicer. te one youve been carrying around for two months even though you sdoont have a house , with a olug to plug it into.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
To Dwarf Or Not to Dwarf
An Actual conversation in a made up world.
Tommy: Oh my God, these two guys came over the other day and one of them had the most enormous cock. I had to take pause because it made him look like he had dwarfism, which is kinda hot , i mean if the dwarf is hot , i wonder if dwarfs like to party, you know like ..party ..party. It was crazy ..it was so big..swear to fucking god….huh huh ,…huge….huh huh huh ,…swear.
John: Huh.. we don't know any dwarfs…i don't think .. I mean nobody has come out to me and said hey !Like I'm a dwarf…you can put drinks on my head , while you play with my HUUUGGE cock.
Reynaldo: Do dwarfs come out. I mean , it's pretty obvious , that they're dwarfs . So why would they have to come out? What would they say? Oh my God you guys ! It's been so hard hiding this but I'm a dwarf..oh my god (sobbing) please don't judge me .. I whack off to the hobbit, and i am so ashamed. ( sobbing)
Tommy: Jesus! Why are you so loud ? Orlando, i think maybe you should take that who on the road , I mean you've been here for days now.
Reynaldo; Are you asking me to leave? My name is Reynaldo. Yeah OK I can go, fuck this , and thanks.
Josh: You can't leave I need you to drive me to pick up my free aids food. And then we were going to go jean shopping , huh, you never say no to the mall, whatever!
Tommy: Don't you have the flu John ? Your face is covered with herpes, maybe jean shopping with Fernando, is not such grey idea. I just got a text message format hat guy, the dwarf. It says " Last night was hot. Can't wait for round two." all in lower case letters , what do you think that means?
John: It means , he is clearly trying to work out his dwarfdom and thinks you're the one to bear the weight of this earth shattering news.
Tommy: Uh uhh. With lower case letters, isn't there , like an emoji, or something?
Reynaldo: I got your fucking emoji, you fucking dwarf loving bitch!! (shoots the finger) Hey do you have any socks i can borrow?
Tommy: I'm just going to ask him. I'm going to be like , hey dude , are you like a dwarf or like part dwarf, or whats the deal?
John: You can't ask him if he's a dwarf, Ask him if he has relatives in Hollywood or in the North Pole.Ask him to take you to hi pot of gold.
Tommy : That's a leprechaun.
Reynaldo: So .
Tommy: well that's different.
John: Why?
Tommy: Cuz they're Irish and this is America. God, we're not fucking racists.
John : Huh, he's not black he's Irish.
Reynaldo : Who the fuck is Irish , I think Irish guys are so fucking hot, especially the short ones.
Tommy : the leprechauns
Reynaldo: Those aren't real , leprechauns aren't real.
John; But dwarfs are, and Tommy is dating one…ooohhh ..you've eaten dwarf jiz..ooohh…freak ..dwarf loving freak!
Tommy: Domingo, is short.
Reynaldo: Fuck you , man., I'm not a dwarf, I'm just average height. Above average where it counts .
Tommy: Whatever dude , get your shit and get going Donalldo.
John: Uh uhh , Jeans …. mall… uh uhhh.
Tommy: Oh my god I found an emoji that looks like Billy Barty.
John: I think he's a midget.
Tommy: Is there a difference?
Reynaldo: Yeah you stupid dwarf loving freak , you are a racist.
Tommy: Do they have to come out too?
Sunday, September 22, 2013
All Apologies
Then , as I am am festering alone , trapped within my own prison of thought and self loathing , i feel the need to apologize. Even thought there is nobody present to apologize to , it begins to overwhelm me, this need to apologize.
For living , for being here amongst those who never apologize or never feel like they have to . For wanting to apologize, it becomes something ludicrous even as an idea. Ridiculous to even me , the person who gave birth to the overwhelming urge to apologize , I begin to get on my own nerves .
But I allow it .
Even if I could , somehow, let the world hear my apology, who would care. As I said, I sit festering in my own prison of thought and self loathing , and there is no escape , except to scream out something that nobody will ever hear , or care to hear , and it makes me stagger to a halt.
And even if I were to believe in God , how could I apologize to him. Would I beg for forgiveness and plead for him to take me back , to allow me to return to the safety of his protection, so that I would never have to apologize ever again .
Apologize for , standing idly by and watching people tear me apart , and then never apologize. For staring at myself everyday and smiling, in spite of the hate and anger I feel for letting it all go. For never standing my ground . To apologize for , never saying a word in my own defense. How could God or the powers that be forgive me for something so utterly pointless.
Nobody will ever know, of my silent apology. Alone in my prison of thought and self loathing, I wonder , will anybody ever come for me? Have I been left behind like a child at the playground , as the sun begins to set , and the air grows colder. With a half eaten sack lunch and not even enough money for a phone call , will anybody come for me , even if I apologize for being ? Would anybody come for me?
I have waited so long for some indication that I wouldn't be left behind , for being deemed damaged goods or less than perfect. And as silently as I apologize for these things, the answer in response is just as silent and relentlessly cold and indifferent. So I wait , maybe a lifetime for my apology to be heard and for a word from somebody I care about to say, it's going to be Ok.
You won't be left behind. But it never comes. And the silence is as overwhelming as my need to apologize.
For living , for being here amongst those who never apologize or never feel like they have to . For wanting to apologize, it becomes something ludicrous even as an idea. Ridiculous to even me , the person who gave birth to the overwhelming urge to apologize , I begin to get on my own nerves .
But I allow it .
Even if I could , somehow, let the world hear my apology, who would care. As I said, I sit festering in my own prison of thought and self loathing , and there is no escape , except to scream out something that nobody will ever hear , or care to hear , and it makes me stagger to a halt.
And even if I were to believe in God , how could I apologize to him. Would I beg for forgiveness and plead for him to take me back , to allow me to return to the safety of his protection, so that I would never have to apologize ever again .
Apologize for , standing idly by and watching people tear me apart , and then never apologize. For staring at myself everyday and smiling, in spite of the hate and anger I feel for letting it all go. For never standing my ground . To apologize for , never saying a word in my own defense. How could God or the powers that be forgive me for something so utterly pointless.
Nobody will ever know, of my silent apology. Alone in my prison of thought and self loathing, I wonder , will anybody ever come for me? Have I been left behind like a child at the playground , as the sun begins to set , and the air grows colder. With a half eaten sack lunch and not even enough money for a phone call , will anybody come for me , even if I apologize for being ? Would anybody come for me?
I have waited so long for some indication that I wouldn't be left behind , for being deemed damaged goods or less than perfect. And as silently as I apologize for these things, the answer in response is just as silent and relentlessly cold and indifferent. So I wait , maybe a lifetime for my apology to be heard and for a word from somebody I care about to say, it's going to be Ok.
You won't be left behind. But it never comes. And the silence is as overwhelming as my need to apologize.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Welcome To The Desert or That's Where I Put That Neurosis
Standing in the desert , was like standing on the heart of the hottest hell , the kind of hell you read about when you were a kid, the kind of hell where its eerily quiet but the heat is screaming at you , to be afraid of where you are. As my skin begins to sear it dawns on me , I was living like a vampire in San Francisco and miraculously I have been given a second chance to live in the sun , and you know what , it hurts.
`My eyes feel like they have no water left in them anywhere, as I drag them across the sockets in which they live , the smooth bed of fluid movement has been replaced with a sandpaper bed that scratched with every pass.
My body, was leeched of all moisture and rested on the planet like a scorched strip of bacon soaking in a bed of its own grease on a white paper towel , it was done.
As was I, I had reached a stat of complete done-ness, with everything. I had reached a saturation point with just about everything, life, men , drugs, the government , disestablishmentarianism, i had reached the end of all things and concepts .Done. And it has brought me to the desert.
Today it was 122 degrees. When i went to walk my dog Dot , she stopped at the door and buried he heels , she wasn't going anywhere.
It felt like a nuclear explosion as we opened the the door . The flash forced my hand up over my face. i fell back ,tripping on Dot as i slammed the sliding glass door closed. dot's tongue hitting my face as i hit the floor next to her actually felt cooler than my skin and a pit bulls average temperature is 101 to 102 degrees
So its hot , you get it ,I don't see a lot of people , my neighborhood is filled with houses but you rarely see anybody . They're out early in the morning , and inside quietly enjoying their air conditioning and iced teas. Around five or six they will start mulling about and the neighborhood looks less like a ghost town and more like Province town. There is a high concentration level of gays in my new world , there are also very rarely any police in my new world because its considered a safe haven for the residents , and so there are several gay resorts.
Gay resorts are what happens when gay men are allowed to be gay men in a setting free of much consequence. there are some but you really gotta fuck up to see those come out . The closest thing i saw to them is when I walked into a tree in the cruise area because, I forgot to bring a flash light or glow stick., Instant consequence. No sex just a bump on the forehead and some douche yelling dumb ass at me.
Maybe i need to show more of a commitment to the ritual of cruising . I often think i must come off as insincere because I sort of don't really care either way unless it doesn't happen , then I'm like , what the fuck , I stay in shape, I'm funny , I put myself halfway out there. If I put myself all the way out there someone will yell something at me and it wont be dumbass, it would be something like whore, desperate, whatevera queen.
I equate the whole process of cruising to fishing with my folks. I liked going to the beach , and going into the water, but when my parents wanted to me to fish , I would do it but I wouldn't get into it and so i never caught anything. Well I did once but it was so small we just threw it back. The exact same thing happens to me when I go to a place like a gay resort with my friends.
So I never invest a lot of time into preparing the bait or casting my line , I sort of place it out in the water for second but then reel it back in super fast because its just laying there doing nothing , and I feel like it looks sad and ridiculous not getting any bites so back it comes . Where i can keep an eye on it . If anybody wants it they know where it is. In room 10 for the love of god, what does a person have to do take an ad out. I'm terrible at fishing quit making me.
As for the desert , it has welcomed me , i haven't gotten a sunburn , or been bitten by anything larger than a fly. Dot has gotten her schedule down . Wake up early morning , take a long walk , sleep all day when its nuclear holocaust hot, and wake up at six for another long walk and then play all night with her favorite toys and the occasional dip in the pool. So were cool.
In all honesty i feel more like myself than i have in years, lugging other peoples baggage in San Francisco really wore me down , I didn't even know where my baggage was , how could i possibly deal with it. little did I know I like to travel light , and that I like things to be simple. I like to know where all my neurosis and hang ups are being kept so I can find them easily when i need them to clear my apartment of unwanted guests or get out of something I wish I hadn't agreed to.
Coming to the desert has made me look at myself and cut away the extra of anything . I am no longer the emotional hoarder i was in Sf , now I'm the minimal desert guru who knows the answers to everything because now i know where to find them . And i keep finding more and more every day.
`My eyes feel like they have no water left in them anywhere, as I drag them across the sockets in which they live , the smooth bed of fluid movement has been replaced with a sandpaper bed that scratched with every pass.
My body, was leeched of all moisture and rested on the planet like a scorched strip of bacon soaking in a bed of its own grease on a white paper towel , it was done.
As was I, I had reached a stat of complete done-ness, with everything. I had reached a saturation point with just about everything, life, men , drugs, the government , disestablishmentarianism, i had reached the end of all things and concepts .Done. And it has brought me to the desert.
Today it was 122 degrees. When i went to walk my dog Dot , she stopped at the door and buried he heels , she wasn't going anywhere.
It felt like a nuclear explosion as we opened the the door . The flash forced my hand up over my face. i fell back ,tripping on Dot as i slammed the sliding glass door closed. dot's tongue hitting my face as i hit the floor next to her actually felt cooler than my skin and a pit bulls average temperature is 101 to 102 degrees
So its hot , you get it ,I don't see a lot of people , my neighborhood is filled with houses but you rarely see anybody . They're out early in the morning , and inside quietly enjoying their air conditioning and iced teas. Around five or six they will start mulling about and the neighborhood looks less like a ghost town and more like Province town. There is a high concentration level of gays in my new world , there are also very rarely any police in my new world because its considered a safe haven for the residents , and so there are several gay resorts.
Gay resorts are what happens when gay men are allowed to be gay men in a setting free of much consequence. there are some but you really gotta fuck up to see those come out . The closest thing i saw to them is when I walked into a tree in the cruise area because, I forgot to bring a flash light or glow stick., Instant consequence. No sex just a bump on the forehead and some douche yelling dumb ass at me.
Maybe i need to show more of a commitment to the ritual of cruising . I often think i must come off as insincere because I sort of don't really care either way unless it doesn't happen , then I'm like , what the fuck , I stay in shape, I'm funny , I put myself halfway out there. If I put myself all the way out there someone will yell something at me and it wont be dumbass, it would be something like whore, desperate, whatevera queen.
I equate the whole process of cruising to fishing with my folks. I liked going to the beach , and going into the water, but when my parents wanted to me to fish , I would do it but I wouldn't get into it and so i never caught anything. Well I did once but it was so small we just threw it back. The exact same thing happens to me when I go to a place like a gay resort with my friends.
So I never invest a lot of time into preparing the bait or casting my line , I sort of place it out in the water for second but then reel it back in super fast because its just laying there doing nothing , and I feel like it looks sad and ridiculous not getting any bites so back it comes . Where i can keep an eye on it . If anybody wants it they know where it is. In room 10 for the love of god, what does a person have to do take an ad out. I'm terrible at fishing quit making me.
As for the desert , it has welcomed me , i haven't gotten a sunburn , or been bitten by anything larger than a fly. Dot has gotten her schedule down . Wake up early morning , take a long walk , sleep all day when its nuclear holocaust hot, and wake up at six for another long walk and then play all night with her favorite toys and the occasional dip in the pool. So were cool.
In all honesty i feel more like myself than i have in years, lugging other peoples baggage in San Francisco really wore me down , I didn't even know where my baggage was , how could i possibly deal with it. little did I know I like to travel light , and that I like things to be simple. I like to know where all my neurosis and hang ups are being kept so I can find them easily when i need them to clear my apartment of unwanted guests or get out of something I wish I hadn't agreed to.
Coming to the desert has made me look at myself and cut away the extra of anything . I am no longer the emotional hoarder i was in Sf , now I'm the minimal desert guru who knows the answers to everything because now i know where to find them . And i keep finding more and more every day.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The Magic Wand
Standing there alone against a cold vending machine , my face pressed and squeaking against the glass, friction caused by the manic chewing my mouth was involved in because i was determined to work this piece of gum , out, until it was as rouch as sand and then nothing , gone. Why was I doing this, and why am i telling you about it ? Because i can.
Standing across from me face pressed against the glass of the cold vending machine for a totally different set of reasons , was Ivan , the last straight man i sswore to god, that I would get fixated on.
He was there becasue he was convinced that there was a way for us, well really him , to fuck witht he lock and acwuire us all the sustenance we would need for a whole day. A whole day of what? I asked myself , like i could give a fuck what it was. Herll we could stand pressed against every vending machine in town , as long as when were done , i get to stand pressed against Ivan.
And he never said not to my idea, but then again i never really asked him.
Ivan's hand was stetched high above him towards the top of the machine, his eyes fixed on mine, i could see he was not going to walk away from this without a handful of crap out of that machine.
He was like " Yeah dude this machine is legendary, all over town , for giving it up , every time.
I was like " do we need food?"
And he was like , " Humans need food , man , the world needs food, everything neeeds food , even your mind, , come on."
How could nyone refuse such an enthusiastic invitation, faces pressed against the glass, we were closer than i had ever been to a heterosexual wiht a thing for getting his gay on , every so often. It was like catching the yeti ina butterfly net. Like braididng bigfoots hair, like synchronized swimming witht he loch ness monster, It was dangerous and exciting , we were outlaws, together it ws us against the manand we didn't anything or anyone to tell us we were wrong,
Ivan fumbled around witht he top a little more and suddenly ,it heaved open like an acient tomb for borderline diabetics and professional tweeters.
I had never been so proud. I mean think about it , this vending machine was legendary and we not only found it but flipped it over and fucked it in the ass, like a bitch. i felt myslef getting a boner.
I wast terrified to do anything but stand there gratefully shoveling food into my mouth .
Ivaan , with his shirt off was like, " I'm getting a whole lot of money soon.we could be roommates."
Oh my god was he asking me to marry him? I choked on my butterfingers.
I was like " Oh sure me you and verybody else in town. shut up."\
He was like " I was with a guy for a itt;e while, like together, liek dating... each other."
I was iike " Thats cool and what did yo learn from that>"
I van was like " THat my cock is like a perfect 8 inches, and when i stroke it its like a magic wand."
My dick was raging so hard i thought it migh explode from the head into a huge cloud of glitter, the 5th gay element/
I was like " Wow , its hot in here, arent you hot, lets go lean up against an ice cream machine for a while."
Money , how much money, ? So I asked , " what do you mean roommates? I dont want to live with anyone i'm not having sex with , you dig?
Smetimes the silence between two people can sond like a stampeded of wild female truck drivers alll heading for the same toliet. I began to feel diminutive in its presence. I sheepishly wiped the butterfinger from my face and began to move away from Ivan , besides I had come like three times already , i was exhausted.
Standing across from me face pressed against the glass of the cold vending machine for a totally different set of reasons , was Ivan , the last straight man i sswore to god, that I would get fixated on.
He was there becasue he was convinced that there was a way for us, well really him , to fuck witht he lock and acwuire us all the sustenance we would need for a whole day. A whole day of what? I asked myself , like i could give a fuck what it was. Herll we could stand pressed against every vending machine in town , as long as when were done , i get to stand pressed against Ivan.
And he never said not to my idea, but then again i never really asked him.
Ivan's hand was stetched high above him towards the top of the machine, his eyes fixed on mine, i could see he was not going to walk away from this without a handful of crap out of that machine.
He was like " Yeah dude this machine is legendary, all over town , for giving it up , every time.
I was like " do we need food?"
And he was like , " Humans need food , man , the world needs food, everything neeeds food , even your mind, , come on."
How could nyone refuse such an enthusiastic invitation, faces pressed against the glass, we were closer than i had ever been to a heterosexual wiht a thing for getting his gay on , every so often. It was like catching the yeti ina butterfly net. Like braididng bigfoots hair, like synchronized swimming witht he loch ness monster, It was dangerous and exciting , we were outlaws, together it ws us against the manand we didn't anything or anyone to tell us we were wrong,
Ivan fumbled around witht he top a little more and suddenly ,it heaved open like an acient tomb for borderline diabetics and professional tweeters.
I had never been so proud. I mean think about it , this vending machine was legendary and we not only found it but flipped it over and fucked it in the ass, like a bitch. i felt myslef getting a boner.
I wast terrified to do anything but stand there gratefully shoveling food into my mouth .
Ivaan , with his shirt off was like, " I'm getting a whole lot of money soon.we could be roommates."
Oh my god was he asking me to marry him? I choked on my butterfingers.
I was like " Oh sure me you and verybody else in town. shut up."\
He was like " I was with a guy for a itt;e while, like together, liek dating... each other."
I was iike " Thats cool and what did yo learn from that>"
I van was like " THat my cock is like a perfect 8 inches, and when i stroke it its like a magic wand."
My dick was raging so hard i thought it migh explode from the head into a huge cloud of glitter, the 5th gay element/
I was like " Wow , its hot in here, arent you hot, lets go lean up against an ice cream machine for a while."
Money , how much money, ? So I asked , " what do you mean roommates? I dont want to live with anyone i'm not having sex with , you dig?
Smetimes the silence between two people can sond like a stampeded of wild female truck drivers alll heading for the same toliet. I began to feel diminutive in its presence. I sheepishly wiped the butterfinger from my face and began to move away from Ivan , besides I had come like three times already , i was exhausted.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
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