All Apologies

Then , as I am am festering alone , trapped within  my own prison of thought and self loathing , i feel the need to apologize. Even thought there is nobody present to apologize to , it begins to overwhelm me, this need to apologize.
For living , for being here amongst those who never apologize or never feel like they have to . For wanting to apologize, it becomes something ludicrous even as an idea. Ridiculous to even me , the person who gave birth to the overwhelming urge to apologize , I begin to get on my own nerves .
But I allow it .
Even if I could , somehow, let the world hear my apology, who would care. As I said, I sit festering in my own prison of thought and self loathing , and there is no escape , except to scream out something that nobody will ever hear , or care to hear , and it makes me stagger to a halt.
And even if I were to believe in God ,  how could I apologize to him. Would I beg for forgiveness and plead for him to take me back , to allow me to return to the safety of his protection, so that I would never have to apologize ever again .
Apologize for , standing idly by and watching people tear me apart , and then never apologize. For  staring at myself everyday and smiling, in spite of the hate and anger I feel for letting it all go. For never standing my ground .  To apologize for , never saying a word in my own defense. How could God or the powers that be forgive me for something so utterly pointless.
Nobody will ever know, of my silent apology. Alone in my prison of thought and self loathing, I wonder , will anybody ever come for me?  Have I been left behind like a child at the playground , as the sun begins to set , and the air grows colder.  With a half eaten sack lunch and not even enough money for a phone call , will anybody come for me , even if I apologize for being ? Would anybody come for me?
I have waited so long for some indication that I wouldn't be left behind , for being deemed damaged goods or less than perfect. And as silently as I apologize for these things, the answer in response is just as silent and relentlessly cold and indifferent. So I wait , maybe a lifetime for my apology to be heard and for a word from somebody I care about to say, it's going to be Ok.
You won't be left behind. But it never comes. And the silence is as overwhelming as my need to apologize.