Standing in the desert , was like standing on the heart of the hottest hell , the kind of hell you read about when you were a kid, the kind of hell where its eerily quiet but the heat is screaming at you , to be afraid of where you are. As my skin begins to sear it dawns on me , I was living like a vampire in San Francisco and miraculously I have been given a second chance to live in the sun , and you know what , it hurts.
`My eyes feel like they have no water left in them anywhere, as I drag them across the sockets in which they live , the smooth bed of fluid movement has been replaced with a sandpaper bed that scratched with every pass.
My body, was leeched of all moisture and rested on the planet like a scorched strip of bacon soaking in a bed of its own grease on a white paper towel , it was done.
As was I, I had reached a stat of complete done-ness, with everything. I had reached a saturation point with just about everything, life, men , drugs, the government , disestablishmentarianism, i had reached the end of all things and concepts .Done. And it has brought me to the desert.
Today it was 122 degrees. When i went to walk my dog Dot , she stopped at the door and buried he heels , she wasn't going anywhere.
It felt like a nuclear explosion as we opened the the door . The flash forced my hand up over my face. i fell back ,tripping on Dot as i slammed the sliding glass door closed. dot's tongue hitting my face as i hit the floor next to her actually felt cooler than my skin and a pit bulls average temperature is 101 to 102 degrees
So its hot , you get it ,I don't see a lot of people , my neighborhood is filled with houses but you rarely see anybody . They're out early in the morning , and inside quietly enjoying their air conditioning and iced teas. Around five or six they will start mulling about and the neighborhood looks less like a ghost town and more like Province town. There is a high concentration level of gays in my new world , there are also very rarely any police in my new world because its considered a safe haven for the residents , and so there are several gay resorts.
Gay resorts are what happens when gay men are allowed to be gay men in a setting free of much consequence. there are some but you really gotta fuck up to see those come out . The closest thing i saw to them is when I walked into a tree in the cruise area because, I forgot to bring a flash light or glow stick., Instant consequence. No sex just a bump on the forehead and some douche yelling dumb ass at me.
Maybe i need to show more of a commitment to the ritual of cruising . I often think i must come off as insincere because I sort of don't really care either way unless it doesn't happen , then I'm like , what the fuck , I stay in shape, I'm funny , I put myself halfway out there. If I put myself all the way out there someone will yell something at me and it wont be dumbass, it would be something like whore, desperate, whatevera queen.
I equate the whole process of cruising to fishing with my folks. I liked going to the beach , and going into the water, but when my parents wanted to me to fish , I would do it but I wouldn't get into it and so i never caught anything. Well I did once but it was so small we just threw it back. The exact same thing happens to me when I go to a place like a gay resort with my friends.
So I never invest a lot of time into preparing the bait or casting my line , I sort of place it out in the water for second but then reel it back in super fast because its just laying there doing nothing , and I feel like it looks sad and ridiculous not getting any bites so back it comes . Where i can keep an eye on it . If anybody wants it they know where it is. In room 10 for the love of god, what does a person have to do take an ad out. I'm terrible at fishing quit making me.
As for the desert , it has welcomed me , i haven't gotten a sunburn , or been bitten by anything larger than a fly. Dot has gotten her schedule down . Wake up early morning , take a long walk , sleep all day when its nuclear holocaust hot, and wake up at six for another long walk and then play all night with her favorite toys and the occasional dip in the pool. So were cool.
In all honesty i feel more like myself than i have in years, lugging other peoples baggage in San Francisco really wore me down , I didn't even know where my baggage was , how could i possibly deal with it. little did I know I like to travel light , and that I like things to be simple. I like to know where all my neurosis and hang ups are being kept so I can find them easily when i need them to clear my apartment of unwanted guests or get out of something I wish I hadn't agreed to.
Coming to the desert has made me look at myself and cut away the extra of anything . I am no longer the emotional hoarder i was in Sf , now I'm the minimal desert guru who knows the answers to everything because now i know where to find them . And i keep finding more and more every day.
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