Crickets And Tumbleweeds
Guess who is in jail again? It's not me, It's Stan. As much as we fight and act like we don't get along , it really pains me to know he is back in jail. It means that something isn't working somewhere. Something isn't working because , when Stan got out of jail the last time , his plan was to never go back to jail , again. He even went as far as to eliminate me from his life, because he said, I would be the person who would get him sent back there.
I would like to take this opportunity to say, I had nothing to do with it . I wasn't even in the state of California at the time. Which some may say is a very clever alibi but , let's be honest , nobody thinks I'm stupid enough to be that smart, OK, so figure that one out.
The truth is, for whatever reason , Stan feels like there is no other option for him when he's on the outside because, maybe, there isn't. He's good at what he does but , he's not good enough to avoid making stupid choices. He serves as an example for all of us. For all of us who keep running in circles and wondering , why the fuck am I still in the same place?
Maybe it's because of our bad choices. I will be the first person to wear this badge of dishonor, if there is a bad choice to be made I will usually make it and, spend the rest of the time beating myself up over it. In the vein of some of our great catholics like Joan of arc or Fernando Montalban.
Stan loves to live a life where at any moment all hell could break loose and next thing anybody knows there are guns being fired and people running for the nearest unregistered Volvo to hide in, and that is his choice. However , it's probably not a good one, it's a bad one.
Everybody loves to be bad . Everybody loves to feel like they are on the inside of something kind of cool and diabolical . It's the same feeling you get when you hear some really good gossip and then you find out it's true. Knowing someone or something like that, who is a little bad , makes being bad, feel , not so bad. And in doing so , maybe it makes a whole bunch of people sleep better at night.
I don't think that Stan should go to jail for it though. If we all had to go to jail for our bad choices , there wouldn't be a fucking person walking the streets of my fair city. Crickets and Tumbleweeds and that crazy lady downtown who thinks she is still looking for her lost puppy.
That is a sad thought. And so to Stan I say this; I miss you little camper, sleep well and never on your stomach . Keep your eye on your back and for God's sake, shank them but only if they are asking for it. I hope I see you soon.
Christmas Cheer
Somebody I know called me the other day to tell me , there were people getting trampled at the Marshall's downtown location. I was like, what the fuck, was there a Lady GaGa sighting, was Paula Abdul seen falling out in the shoe department, no, nothing so thrilling. It was over merchandise. People were getting trampled , not just at Marshall's but all over town in various retail outlet locations, spanning the diverse universe that has become San Francisco's retail arena.
I thought the economy was bad, I thought people were afraid to spend because the economy was tanking out. I remember receiving invitations to a couple of really hot mass suicides just before Christmas, and I thought about going but , you know what they say, if you've been to one mass suicide, well.. you're probably no going to make it to the other one.
As cheery as a mass suicide in the spirit of Christmas sounds , being witness to some yuletide consumer stampeding sounds like an even better party. I wondered if I should hike it over to Loehman's and perch myself on the stairwell between the first and second floor and watch the heavyweights battle it out for the best in Christmas shopping.
I bet there are grandmothers out there that train all year for these events , and when it comes to Christmas cheer and the act of spreading it, Granny does not fuck around. A couple of black eyes and a lacerated boobie later , Grams will know the joy of being able to give her family , the best this town has to offer. On Christmas morning as she rests safely in intensive care the gifts will stand as a testament to all the love and goodness Christmas is about.
And as for those other suckers who wind up flattened roadkill , I say this; Amateur. Why can't you be more like granny? Do you want to know why , because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to go out and get yourself some fucking Christmas cheer.
Instead you will whine about how you didn't get exactly what you wanted for Christmas and it's no body's fault but your own. You want something, you need to get up off of your ass , and got get it. It's Christmas for the love of Christ and it's America. So don't come back until you have a couple of broken fingers and an eye patch or two and I want to see a huge bundle of Christmas love.
Don't be a pussy Jesus hates pussies, now do it!
Merry fucking Christmas mother fucker, god I love this time of year.
