I can ride my bike perfectly down the street for 20 or so miles, without even a close call. As soon as I step off of it, I will trip on the sidewalk. It happens all the time. Today when I am falling, I spill forward, causing the bag on my back to drop random items onto the sidewalk, a pencil, a sock, some Hershey’ kisses and a used enema bottle. What can I say; I had a very long weekend and found myself moving around a lot.
It just so happens to be the one thing anybody really focuses on when it bounces a few times on the sidewalk. There is no question in anybody’s mind as to what it might be. It has become very apparent what it is, so I make a dive for it. As I am reaching for the bottle now spinning on the metal grate embedded into the sidewalk, my foot hits it and the rogue bottle is jettison even further down the sidewalk. I never asked for anybody to help me retrieve the bottle, in fact in my opinion it was fine way over there. Hey that’s not my enema bottle. However, a passerby, this random guy decides he’s going to help out, and he chases after it down the sidewalk. He picks it up and delicately holding it with two fingers, then brings it back to me.
There was now no mistaking who the used enema bottle belonged to now. I looked at him and said " Thanks Dude.” But by the way I said it, I made it clear, the words that would have followed, if I was a lesser person, would have been, “You stupid mother fucker, don’t help me. “
As I opened my bag and habitually began to put the bottle back into it, I stopped because, it’s garbage I need to just throw it away. That’s where I ran into Joey, my tweaker friend with the big dick.
I was so relieved to see him standing by the trash can as I dropped off the bad little enema bottle. It seemed almost fitting that a run in with Joey would punctuate a run in with public humiliation.
I’m like “Oh my God Joey did you see that. I totally dropped that used enema bottle on the sidewalk, and everybody totally saw it. Oh my God.”
He’s like “I didn’t see what happened.”
So I was like “Whatever, I’m joking. What are you doing out here?”
He’s like “Waiting for my friend.”
I look around and I’m like “A friend or a FRIEND” doing little quotation marks with my fingers on both sides of my head.
He’s like “What’s the difference.”
Good point, Game point Joey. We stand and stare at each other for a second and then I’m like
“You should come over later, we could hang out and stuff, you should call me.”
He’s completely deadpan when he answers with a “Sure, OK. Oh by the way I moved into a place. I am no longer your retarded cousin from the ghetto." Which is what I like to call him sometimes? I mean it in the nicest possible way.
So of course I want to see it. Joey knows this because he knows me and how happy I am that he got a place. I've never known Joey like that, he has always been homeless. I t comes as a huge surprise when David Campbell the most disgusting man alive walks out of the store we are standing in front of and Joey says “ There’s my friend." If there was a sound effect, it would be AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
As he walks right up to me, all I can think about as he sleazes his arm around to my ass is, why has God has forsaken me.
No comments:
Post a Comment