Mr. Puddlebottom

Mr. PuddlebottomThere are few things that raise the hair on my neck. One of them is zombies. I have this irrational fear of zombies becoming a reality. The world is so crazy now, and there are so many variables to consider that make up all the craziness, it wouldn't be so off base to think , the undead could walk the earth one day. The reality is , there is some apocalyptic shit happening everyday , I wonder how far down on the list zombies fall.
The other thing that raises the hair on my neck is when one of my friends says to me , "I've got poopy in my pants." And believe it or not, it seems to be happening more and more here in our neck of the woods. I never know how to respond or, how to act when someone I know delivers this news. Depending on the person I might even go as far as to congratulate them, and then excuse myself.
Mostly , I am inclined to offer suggestion as to a course of action. With a very straight face I might say , " Is it stew or tomato puree'? Can you stand and walk to the shower or will the carpet look like it was owned by Jackson Pollack?" Usually they make it to the shower without leaving a trail.
The other thing I might do , is pretend I didn't hear them. I wont change my course of conversation or , change my expression, I'll just keep talking about current events until I suddenly come down with Malaria or Ebola and run out into the street.
Is this what happens as we get older and our bodies betray us? Does this mean I will need to include an arsenal of poop jokes to diffuse any uncomfortable situation that may come up? The other day I was watching a close friend of mine get fucked by another guy with an ample amount of cock . When the big guy pulled out , SURPRISE! Brownie medley with a little funshine maple on top. and the sheets were white.
I turned the camera off and looked at my friend who was clearly at a loss for something to say, nobody knew what to say. I took charge of the situation by saying , " Well what did you expect, strawberry cheesecake? Hit the showers." I'm so cool in crisis situations.
Now that brings me to the last thing that raises the hair on my neck. What if it happens to me? What if I find myself churning out brownies like an easy bake oven , and I never get control back. The effect on my social life would be devastating. The only thing I could do at my friends homes is fertilize the flower bed.
I have decided to take steps to prevent getting Mount Saint Helen's disease. I'm not taking on guys larger than my forearm. No more groups, but I was never very good at those anyway. I clench my cheeks , every chance I get, I am even doing it right now. But the most important thing I am doing to keep my ass in check, I have turned it into a puppet named Mr. Puddlebottom and we're on tour all over the city spreading the good word about Hole maintenance, it's the wave of the future.