SUCKABCRAZEE

If I could just make it through the rest of my life being completely oblivious to what is happening to me I might just make it unscathed and smiling . Last night I was mugged, but the best part is I had no idea I was being mugged. In this episode of "The Absurdity of Life " the role of the Dumb White Guy will be played by "Me" . Jesse and another friend of mine Keith both live in a building in the heart of the Tenderloin. Everybody knows, the Tenderloin has become crazier than ever before , but when you are the terminally impoverished who just so happen to look good, those little details don't affect you because , my little group of freedom fighters like to think we make everything better just by being there. Instead of planting trees to beautify the neighborhood , we plant ourselves. It is our firm belief that with the right soundtrack and, wardrobe and , a good writer how can you go wrong.
When I walk through The TL, I make sure my groove is upbeat and it let's anyone I pass know that my shit cannot be fucked with, one , because I don't have any shit, and two, if I did , to get it somebody would have to go through some serious turmoil before I would think about surrendering it. Now if you're good you should be able to convey all of that with one walk down Ellis st. So simply put , nobody fucks with me. Especially after living here for so long it's obvious the entire city has become my living room and , I wear it like a badge of honor.
But to every good theory in practice there will always be something that comes along that will test it. And that is where I found myself last night after my stroll down Ellis street to J and K 's building. Standing in the inside gate was guy I assumed was a resident of the building. I don't know everybody in the fucking building so whatever.
He opened the gate for me in what looked like a polite gesture , and right now the way the world is going I will take any polite gesture I can get. So, I went in, but was surprised to find I couldn't get past the second door. Not a problem because I had my cellphone and I can just call either Keith or, Jesse to let me in . And the gatekeeper agreed and even went as far as to position me in the right spot for optimal reception, and he was right , everything was crystal clear on my new Samsung. Then he stood in front of me like he was guarding me from anything crazy that might be coming down the sidewalk. No answer , and I start to get a little irritated so I was like "I know I will text message." but the gate keeper didn't like that and snatched my phone out of my hand.
And I couldn't help but stop for a minute and think , Wait a minute, are you , like , mugging me and stuff.
he was like " You know I have to take this phone?"
and I was like " Ah man don't take my phone. I just got it. I don't have anything either. Even my sweatshirt is borrowed."
We were looking at each other eye to eye. And that's when for a split second I entertained the notion that this mother fucker might be nuts.
He leaned in to me , rested his head on my shoulder and looked up at me like he was sympathetic to my plight. And then he reached behind his back and handed my phone back to me. Hooray , I am like , Dances with Thugs.
I couldn't help but smile at him like I was the new Jesus Christ or something. It felt like I had crossed so many of societies bullshit lines that we had both grown up under but now in that moment we were leaving them behind to live in a better world. Until he grabbed me by my sweatshirt and said " But now I have to make an example of you or they will beat my ass."
We flew out of the gate and he dragged me into the street and across it before throwing me on the hood of a car . He took off and I turned to see him run right into two cops who had just been passing by . They grabbed him and threw him against the wall. But It felt wrong.
Maybe I am so ready for the world to be different ,I just made myself think we had some kind of moment. But I never felt scared and he gave the phone back. I couldn't let him go to jail for giving my phone back.
I walked over to the police , closer than I usually like to get to the law and I was like " Stop , don't arrest him , it was a joke. He was just joking around. He didn't take anything."
After the usual array of bullshit questions to give the illusion that they are in control of the situation, the cops paused from their routine to actually listen for three seconds. Now I am Dances with Cops.
I told them he didn't rob me and everything was cool and I didn't want to press charges. And they were like " What."
I was like " Yeah, I don't want to so , thanks and all but , can we all just move along." and you know what , we all did. Crazy mugger guy walked away smiling at me , the cops walked away scratching their collective brains and I walked away hoping the whole incident had somehow given me some street cred, which everybody knows is transferable to anybody seen walking with me.
Now I have to think , behind that gate, there was something that happened that reached out and tapped that mugger on the shoulder of his conscience and said " Give this guy a break, you're not so different." And I know we aren't , I know in a split second I could find myself waiting inside the gate of some random building looking for a phone to jack. I have to think in that moment we decided to fore go everything the world has told us to do in that situation and we moved beyond it.
Or maybe I am just seriously deluded . I'm having trouble with his one. But I am such a Pollyanna sometimes ,I have to believe our collective state is getting better in subtle ways , slowly, but I think were getting there.
Or maybe I am just a stupid fuck. Maybe I need meds. I don't know. I am just telling it like it was. Because sometimes , Life needs no water added it just sells itself.