SUCKABCRAZEE

Keith Goes To The Bank
Fuck that was hard. Getting back here was fucking hard. It took me a month but, I did it , I made it back. Hi , remember me? I'm that guy who was standing behind you , pointing out how life is so absurd. Trying to make you laugh, even though , you don't think you want to , I can tell you need to.

So , It goes something like this. There has been a few changes in the line-up so , try to keep up. First off, my friend Keith, is no longer my friend , but this will happen when you save someone from falling out on GHB at Patelco. We were only supposed to return his computer but, after guzzling 8ml of GHB he claimed was bunk , he decides we should take a cab over to Patelco and deposit a questionable check he got as an advance for a hooking gig he never intends to show up for.

We walked a block and then suddenly I looked back, and Keith was on the ground, and all of his belongings were strewn about the sidewalk, like they were making a break for it. I grabbed them , picked him up, and told him we were getting in a cab, and taking him home.

Like a petulant child he screamed " NO!" and then walked into a wall.

I was like " That isn't Patelco."

After 15 or 20 tries , he got it right, I waited in the lobby while he stumbled up to the teller window. I had my back turned for maybe 15 seconds , and when I turned back around after doodling fuck this on his computer box, Keith was fully writhing and contorting at the teller window.

The teller was looking at him like she was afraid for her life and, the life of her unborn children. I would be too, he looked like he was either fucked up on drugs, highly contagious or , a member of cirque du solei. I sprung into action. Leaving his computer behind, I ran to his side, now there were two tellers staring at him, and I heard one of them say " Call the police."

Okay, were going. " Keith, come with me now or you are going to wind up with your ass in jail. Stop freaking out and move your ass outside now!"And you know what , he did.

Back on the sidewalk , I perched Keith on a parking meter, which he started humping , while I tried to flag a cab. I say tried because 4 cabs pulled up , took one look at Keith and drove away.

The 5th one stopped long enough for me to open the door and yell " Please help us my friend is having a seizure.Thank god for female cab drivers , she must have seen one her children in one of us because she drove us back to Keith's building and asked if we were doing okay, the entire way. So, in the off chance that she might be reading this, Thanks nice lady.

I paid for the cab out of Keith's wallet becasue, I had it in my pocket , with his keys, his phone and , his sunglasses. I slapped him back to reality , pulled him and , his 15 pound computer out of the cab and, as we both turned to go into the gate, we were met by his building manager.

Robert , is a huge guy , weighing somewhere in the vicinity of 300 pounds , and standing about 6 4, so he's a wall. Blocking out the sun , we looked up at Robert and suddenly Keith snapped back long enough to say " Hello Robert, I 'm not feeling well , would you mind letting us in?"

I chimed in with "Yeah."
Robert stuck his key in the gate and Keith and I, whizzed by.

His apartment was a welcome relief , and Keith slipped back into his drug induced freako behavior. Screaming at the top of his drug addled lungs, like a banshee .

Knockity knock, someone was at the door, who could it be? Keith's neighbors. I opened the door and smiled a used car salesman smile and simply said " Keith is really sick, sorry." and closed the door as his neighbor was opening his mouth to say , God knows what.? I don't think he speaks english so , who cares.

I breathed a sigh of relief and, just as I did, Keith slapped me in the face, not once but 12 times, I counted. Wouldn't anybody?

Fuck this. I threw him in the tub , doused him with water , drained the tub , took some GHB as payment for all the trouble, left him a note and , a voicemail , to let him know what had happened and Split.

Now, Keith won't speak to me and , when I called he called me a thief and , hung up on me. I sent him a text mesasage, Thieves don't leave notes or ,voice mail. What a moron. So , what can I say? See what happens when you try to help some one out . And yes, I took his shit but , I got him home in one piece, risked a possible incarceration, lied to his building manager and neighbor and incurred bodily harm, I earned it. By the way I sold it and made about 25 bucks. Hail Satan.

Now I know people love to talk smack about other people , that's fine . But I think it is so important to make sure your video camera is always handy and small enough to conceal from everybody. But wait , there's more.