Birthdays and Christmas

 I don't think i have ever seen anything more pathetic and sad. And I have seen the pathetic and sad, in all of its various forms, amidst so many different settings ranging from the stark to the macabre. But what I saw after I hijacked J's email accounts was something of a redefining of the pathetic and sad.
My mouth agape, I took a moment to check my face in the mirror opposite me on the wall by the door. I was right , I was fully chunked. But what else would I be , after discovering someone I was involved with , and who I let lie to me for a substantial amount of time, was capable of such desperate acts. And a full season of glee is a substantial amount of time, if you ask me.
The evidence couldn't be denied and I wouldn't even try to, I would have to tell everyone, or a couple of big  mouth homos and they could tell everyone. But first I would have to tell myself, what I was seeing was really what I was seeing. From what I could tell after braking into J's 18 email accounts on various servers, some even in my name, and a few with google voice numbers, different from each account. And the numbers appear to be texting one another to say merry Xmas And Happy Birthday. That can only be one thing.
No , Is it possible? Is there really such a sad and pathetic excuse for a lonely person out there living amongst the truly dysfunctional.
Does J really send himself xmas and birthday good wishes, and from what I could see , there was no evidence of anybody else doing the same , except for the counselors at the city clinic. I try to think back, how many of these bogus texts have I been present for. I remember one time in a room full of naked people J saying " It's my friend wishing me a merry xmas."
And because it was Christmas I smiled and accepted it to be true, because why wouldn't it be. 
I finally had to give in and resign myself to what was glaringly evident, not only was the former heated sex and occasional bout of jealousy known as j no longer in my life , but it turns out he was simply crazy.
I could handle the lying, the constant lying, and i could probably look past the way he sent explicit emails to my job , trying to have me fired, and even after years of therapy I could overlook the attempts to charge a computer on my best friends account, and I could even look beyond the 3 times he gave a reason to run to the get treated for syphilis , but  this is outside of my comfort zone.
Let me try to understand this, there are people out there sending themselves, birthday and Christmas greetings disguised as another person, but its really them but using another account created by the same person, WHAT!. Its an enigma disguised as a paradox, its a riddled dressed as a joke, it's a pig in a blanket, its so confusing.
The reality of it was the only thing I had to get a good grasp on the profundity of J's fucked upness. Here's a guy, who not only, lies to everyone daily, but has clearly spent his entire life fooling himself just to get through the day.
As I stared at the undeniable proof, My heart began to sink in my chest. It became heavy with the utterly sad way J had to live his life. How many times had he hoped he wouldn't ever have to utter another lie, how many times had he silently longed for validation and acceptance , only to resort to lying to get it. If he ever slept , would he be able to do it peacefully , or would he be wrought with the guilt of resorting to fabricating an identity because clearly he was lacking one. Did he wrestle with his conscience every day trying to decide between right and wrong.
Are you kidding me , fuck that! We're talking about a guy who sends himself happy birthday wishes from himself, now that is some fucked up shit. I mean really fucked up shit. Do you honestly think he has a shred of remorse or regret or anything he does, no fucking way. So let's not even entertain this notion because , My man J is one fucked up ,  deep down dysfunctional lying mother fucker dot com and all. Make no mistake, he is the real deal, kind of sociopath. And he believes very strongly in the power of Birthdays and Christmas greetings.
I tried so hard to find the silver lining in that whole sad tale and , it was really hard, but i found one. It's there standing like a half stuffed care bare but , It's all I could come up with.  I didn't have a lot to work with.